State of Latrine

Disclaimer: This article may be distasteful for some. Proceed with caution. Also, this is a humorous take on this rather avoided topic based on writers own experiences and is not based on any kind of research.

Does the title repulse you? What if I say bathroom or rest room. Does that make it better? What's the deal with the most primitive of human activities besides eating (assuming eating came first). We are supposed to be living in advanced times, with most of the basic day-to-day problems solved. Yet, more advanced the potty techniques - more problematic they seem. If we talk of west, they do seem to have mastered the initial part, where one can comfortably rest one's butt on a seat, unlike east, where your rears are hanging in mid-air putting all the load on the knees, resulting in the highest rate of knee arthritis in India, but the cleaning technique still remains problematic. First there is excessive use of paper, adding to the global warming problem (even though west will always blame east for this issue); next, dry paper causing irritation is always on your mind, and last but not least, one never knows, whether one is completely clean, that feeling of satisfaction that only touch of bare hand can provide. Besides, there is also an issue, especially, in public places, that one is kind of sitting on somebody else's buttprints, which makes it so unhygienic.

Eastern ways have its own share of problems, as well. Firstly, of course, the awkward sitting posture akin to a bird resting on a tree branch; secondly the terror of wetting oneself is always there, especially, if one is going through stomach problems, and last but last but not least, the problem of cleaning that remains highly unhygienic.

Another major problem is that of how to design the paikhana (shouldn't have rhymed with maikhana). In the east, they make it as a closed room, so one can go behind shut doors and perform this ritual in private, so nobody can know what one is doing and how, but that still leaves the problem of hard to breathe space left behind by the last user leaving the room unusable for the next in line, esp in public toilets during morning hours. West found a solution to this in the form of open spaces where one is only surrounded by four half walls, leaving it open from top and bottom. This makes the area reusable immediately after use, nevertheless making it difficult to enter the 'the bathroom, itself, because the air wasn't contained to a single room in the first place. Also, this makes going very difficult, as one has to be very careful evacuating, and has to ensure one either does it very carefully not to make too much noise, or time it with some other sound, like when somebody else is flushing another toilet, to let it go full steam. But of course if one likes to always make a bold statement, that's not an issue.

A third alternate has already been developed, that at least addresses the cleaning part, and has been lately gaining popularity, albeit, slowly. It involves neither using paper nor hands; rather this technique utilizes the seating arrangement of the west, and water-cleaning of the east. It consists of a special water fountain built at the edge of the seat that can be operated manually at the time of need. Once the fountain starts, one has to position their cheeks so water hits at the right angle, washing you without having to touch. Even this technique has its difficulties though. It's not uncommon for people to misposition and spill the water all over, and then once again how do you know when to stop cleaning.

The simple fact is even with millions of years of in-habitation on this planet, we still don't have a satisfactory ablution technique that can be solidified in gold and that makes it an inviting experience. It has remained, so far, a necessary evil in most people's lives.