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When I entered the office the next day, I saw Anna at the coffee vending machine looking around for a cup. He was already holding a cup in his hand, and I wondered why was he searching for another cup.
Hey – looking for a cup ?
Startled, he turned around to face me and said, “Arrey, koi cup nai [nahin ] mil ra hai [hain]”
Are you looking for a cup for me ?
Before Anna could answer, I saw Riddhima coming over.
Hey Girish
Hi. What’s happening ?
Am all well. Yes Veda, you said that you wanted to discuss something.
So, that’s why Anna was looking for another cup. I thought that let me help Anna a bit this time. So, I said, “ Hey Riddhima, don’t know if Anna has shared this with you, but he has an amazing collection of James Bond movies.”
Anna was more surprised on hearing this. Perhaps he had never watched any movie in his life. Even if he did, quite possible that he would be having a mega collection of Chiranjeevi and Mammoty movies, with titles like – “Engga, Eppo ?” or “Rowdy Ranganna” or “Ippidi Meer Aen Sangaktla…”
Riddhima said, “Really ? Wow. That’s cool.”
Anna took the hint. “So you like Bond films ?”
“Love ? I simply adore them. So, who is your favourite Bond ?”
“James Bond”, said Anna.
Clearly, a fool with a tool is still a fool. I visualized how James Bond must be in Anna’s world. Perhaps a Chiranjeevi or a Mamooty as James Bond. Or perhaps Anna himself as James Bond. And the dialogue would have been, “Naanu Bond. James Bond. Eppiddu ?”
I again came forward to Anna’s rescue by laughing out aloud.
“Nice joke man..”
Now, Anna was surprised trying to figure out what was the joke.
I turned to Riddhima and said, “He was telling me that he likes Connery. But you like Brosnan – right ?”
“Oh man. Brosnan is all man. He has that natural cavalier attitude and raw sexuality that just oozes out.”
RIdhimma was having on-the-spot multiple orgasms over Brosnan. And now Anna had Brosnan for competition. But Anna was smart.
“Even I like Brosnan. He is amazing. Just the way he carries himself is amazing. What personality.”
So, you also like him.
Yes, he’s one of my favourite heroes.
Leaving Anna with his muse, I started for my cabin. I could see BJ moving her cute lil ass in front of me. I had this huge instinct to give her one tight spank from behind. Remembering a line from my school prayers – ‘Oh God, Give me the strength to resist all temptations’ – I marched on.
I saw Charlie wandering around my cabin. I ushered in His Highness Charlie, The High Priest of Mega Corporate Confusions, into my cabin.
Sir –I had a small query.
I looked at Charlie with a smile. Clearly, something was coming up.
Sir – How serious or detailed in the Performance Review Process [PRP] in Carewell ?
As serious and detailed it should be Charlie. When is yours ?
Anna has scheduled it for next week.
Oh. Then have you prepared for it or not ?
In bits and pieces Sir. But, I am sure that Anna will be looking forward to puncture my process.
That is actually true for all bosses and all PRPs. On top of that, poor Charlie would have had to endure Anna’s accent, his funny snorkeling laugh, his ability to casusally pick his nose while looking at you with all seriousness, his ability to produce vague sounds from his throat while keeping his mouth closed and appearing totally unfazed while doing so – all this while in the midst of a serious review process would have been really hard on Charlie.
Usually in all PRPs while the employees make a list of their ‘achievements’ – essentially mundane things which they anyways would have done in the normal course of living, but since they are now subject to excel sheets which contains terminologies like ‘Key result Areas’ and is further divided into ‘Key Financial Deliverables’, ‘Key Operational Deliverables; and ;Key Strategic Deliverables’ and further explained by way of ‘Key Tasks’ [ ya, ya….we all know it – it’s the HR that’s made it this way…relax ], they are left with no option but to make a song and dance about it and tom-tom it in front of every TDH [ Tom, Dick and Harry ] whom they meet. So, a KRA of ‘Achieving Higher Sales Volume’ will be broken into a Key Strategic Deliverable of ‘Expanding Market Presence’ and a Key Operational Deliverable of ‘Increasing the distribors’, and a ‘Key Task’ of the following > Analysing the various market segments on the basis of population, taste, socio-economic factors etc, finding the best prodyct-marjet fit, analyzing various distribution scenarious, planning various overage options, arriving at best-fit reach mechanism….and so on and so forth. The good thing about this process is that it actually makes you feel like you have achieved a lot and you then have the tool to tell your boss that how difficult it was for you to actually accomplish what you did.
However, bosses have a refreshingly different view of the PRP. WHle the employee will make a list of achievements, bosses make a list of ‘Areas of Improvement.” While as a reader who’s a management trainee or still in the first year of his job will feel that this is because bosses genuienely care about the progress and improvement of the subordinate and are father like mentors – they are, of course, as any non-MT and someone with more than one year experience will know, completely wrong. The ‘Areas of Improvement’ eventually get linked to the reason why your annual increment is low and why the annual bonus is also low. These areas of improvement are never concrete – they are more to do with global motherhood statements that are meant to make you feel more in the earth pit than in the stratosphere. So, Areas of Improvement are typically – ‘learning to ge aligned with the overall business objectives’, ‘an inability to think out of the box’, ‘leveraging organizational footprint for enahanced productivity’ and so on…. Most employees usually feel that the PRP is meant to ensure why they are where they are and why they cannot be where they would rather want to be.
So, while as Charlie baby would have had a 103 % of achievement verus his target and a 20 % reduction in receivables, still Charlie baby would need to ‘develop strategic depth in his managerial thinking’. Most people in their thirties have started graying because of this mixed feedback from their mid forty bosses, who of course continue to having black hair.
I was not really sure how to help Charlie. The classic ‘Offence is the best Defence’ mechanism does not usually work well in the PRP. This is because your boss will think that you are threatening him and blaming him for all the mess-ups that you have had. What works best in the PMP is the old hindi bhajan which you have to sing for your boss and which went like this >
“Tumhi ho maata, pita tumhi ho,
Tumhi ho bandhu, sakha tumhi ho..
Jo khil sakey na, woh phool hum hain,
Tumhaarey charno ki dhool hum hain…”
The earlier a person recognizes this in his career, the farther that he goes. Stop reading this, sit back and reflect for a moment or two. How many people have you known who went on to achieve something great in life by criticizing or arguing with their bosses ? All upward movements have happened as the pull from the top has been much stronger than the pull from the bottom. And how do you achieve success ? Hint – it’s a part of the sound of the word success…. Still didn’t get it..? Well let me break is for you – suck-cess… Now, does it start to make sense…Yes…? Smart. Very smart......................"
Hey – looking for a cup ?
Startled, he turned around to face me and said, “Arrey, koi cup nai [nahin ] mil ra hai [hain]”
Are you looking for a cup for me ?
Before Anna could answer, I saw Riddhima coming over.
Hey Girish
Hi. What’s happening ?
Am all well. Yes Veda, you said that you wanted to discuss something.
So, that’s why Anna was looking for another cup. I thought that let me help Anna a bit this time. So, I said, “ Hey Riddhima, don’t know if Anna has shared this with you, but he has an amazing collection of James Bond movies.”
Anna was more surprised on hearing this. Perhaps he had never watched any movie in his life. Even if he did, quite possible that he would be having a mega collection of Chiranjeevi and Mammoty movies, with titles like – “Engga, Eppo ?” or “Rowdy Ranganna” or “Ippidi Meer Aen Sangaktla…”
Riddhima said, “Really ? Wow. That’s cool.”
Anna took the hint. “So you like Bond films ?”
“Love ? I simply adore them. So, who is your favourite Bond ?”
“James Bond”, said Anna.
Clearly, a fool with a tool is still a fool. I visualized how James Bond must be in Anna’s world. Perhaps a Chiranjeevi or a Mamooty as James Bond. Or perhaps Anna himself as James Bond. And the dialogue would have been, “Naanu Bond. James Bond. Eppiddu ?”
I again came forward to Anna’s rescue by laughing out aloud.
“Nice joke man..”
Now, Anna was surprised trying to figure out what was the joke.
I turned to Riddhima and said, “He was telling me that he likes Connery. But you like Brosnan – right ?”
“Oh man. Brosnan is all man. He has that natural cavalier attitude and raw sexuality that just oozes out.”
RIdhimma was having on-the-spot multiple orgasms over Brosnan. And now Anna had Brosnan for competition. But Anna was smart.
“Even I like Brosnan. He is amazing. Just the way he carries himself is amazing. What personality.”
So, you also like him.
Yes, he’s one of my favourite heroes.
Leaving Anna with his muse, I started for my cabin. I could see BJ moving her cute lil ass in front of me. I had this huge instinct to give her one tight spank from behind. Remembering a line from my school prayers – ‘Oh God, Give me the strength to resist all temptations’ – I marched on.
I saw Charlie wandering around my cabin. I ushered in His Highness Charlie, The High Priest of Mega Corporate Confusions, into my cabin.
Sir –I had a small query.
I looked at Charlie with a smile. Clearly, something was coming up.
Sir – How serious or detailed in the Performance Review Process [PRP] in Carewell ?
As serious and detailed it should be Charlie. When is yours ?
Anna has scheduled it for next week.
Oh. Then have you prepared for it or not ?
In bits and pieces Sir. But, I am sure that Anna will be looking forward to puncture my process.
That is actually true for all bosses and all PRPs. On top of that, poor Charlie would have had to endure Anna’s accent, his funny snorkeling laugh, his ability to casusally pick his nose while looking at you with all seriousness, his ability to produce vague sounds from his throat while keeping his mouth closed and appearing totally unfazed while doing so – all this while in the midst of a serious review process would have been really hard on Charlie.
Usually in all PRPs while the employees make a list of their ‘achievements’ – essentially mundane things which they anyways would have done in the normal course of living, but since they are now subject to excel sheets which contains terminologies like ‘Key result Areas’ and is further divided into ‘Key Financial Deliverables’, ‘Key Operational Deliverables; and ;Key Strategic Deliverables’ and further explained by way of ‘Key Tasks’ [ ya, ya….we all know it – it’s the HR that’s made it this way…relax ], they are left with no option but to make a song and dance about it and tom-tom it in front of every TDH [ Tom, Dick and Harry ] whom they meet. So, a KRA of ‘Achieving Higher Sales Volume’ will be broken into a Key Strategic Deliverable of ‘Expanding Market Presence’ and a Key Operational Deliverable of ‘Increasing the distribors’, and a ‘Key Task’ of the following > Analysing the various market segments on the basis of population, taste, socio-economic factors etc, finding the best prodyct-marjet fit, analyzing various distribution scenarious, planning various overage options, arriving at best-fit reach mechanism….and so on and so forth. The good thing about this process is that it actually makes you feel like you have achieved a lot and you then have the tool to tell your boss that how difficult it was for you to actually accomplish what you did.
However, bosses have a refreshingly different view of the PRP. WHle the employee will make a list of achievements, bosses make a list of ‘Areas of Improvement.” While as a reader who’s a management trainee or still in the first year of his job will feel that this is because bosses genuienely care about the progress and improvement of the subordinate and are father like mentors – they are, of course, as any non-MT and someone with more than one year experience will know, completely wrong. The ‘Areas of Improvement’ eventually get linked to the reason why your annual increment is low and why the annual bonus is also low. These areas of improvement are never concrete – they are more to do with global motherhood statements that are meant to make you feel more in the earth pit than in the stratosphere. So, Areas of Improvement are typically – ‘learning to ge aligned with the overall business objectives’, ‘an inability to think out of the box’, ‘leveraging organizational footprint for enahanced productivity’ and so on…. Most employees usually feel that the PRP is meant to ensure why they are where they are and why they cannot be where they would rather want to be.
So, while as Charlie baby would have had a 103 % of achievement verus his target and a 20 % reduction in receivables, still Charlie baby would need to ‘develop strategic depth in his managerial thinking’. Most people in their thirties have started graying because of this mixed feedback from their mid forty bosses, who of course continue to having black hair.
I was not really sure how to help Charlie. The classic ‘Offence is the best Defence’ mechanism does not usually work well in the PRP. This is because your boss will think that you are threatening him and blaming him for all the mess-ups that you have had. What works best in the PMP is the old hindi bhajan which you have to sing for your boss and which went like this >
“Tumhi ho maata, pita tumhi ho,
Tumhi ho bandhu, sakha tumhi ho..
Jo khil sakey na, woh phool hum hain,
Tumhaarey charno ki dhool hum hain…”
The earlier a person recognizes this in his career, the farther that he goes. Stop reading this, sit back and reflect for a moment or two. How many people have you known who went on to achieve something great in life by criticizing or arguing with their bosses ? All upward movements have happened as the pull from the top has been much stronger than the pull from the bottom. And how do you achieve success ? Hint – it’s a part of the sound of the word success…. Still didn’t get it..? Well let me break is for you – suck-cess… Now, does it start to make sense…Yes…? Smart. Very smart......................"
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